The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories… There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.

‘Ernie, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens,’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

‘Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.’

@nabi, that was brilliant!

glad U liked it. Wish I could come up with original one...

Don't be Nate.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert.
He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise,
he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.
He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sagebrush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn,
he notices a lever sticking out of the ground.
After a few moments, he walks over,
walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever.
Just as he does, he hears a voice say,
"Don't touch that lever."
The driver jumps about two feet off the ground,
and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen.
Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever.
Again the voice yells
, "I said don't touch that lever!
"Being more prepared
, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush
.There he sees a small snake.
The driver, in much astonishment, said,
"Was that you that just spoke?
"The snake said, "Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever.
If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world."
The driver, still rather astonished, said,
"What is your name? And will you talk on TV?"
The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasn't interested in going on TV;
anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasn't moved.
The driver said, "Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews.
That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever."
Nate thought that over
and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea.
The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out.
They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world
of the dangers of moving the lever
. A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area.
He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak.
When the driver's truck hit the slick, it went out of control,
and he found himself headed straight for the lever
.He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever
and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end.
He strove, with all his might to maneuver the truck.
Finally, at the last moment, he was able to swerve,
but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.
The truck driver was heard to say
"Well, better Nate than lever."

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?
"Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp
."Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.
Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor
looking fresh and reborn
.Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk,
I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled,
and nothing happened
!"Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

The teacher and the taught

A young teacher from an industrial city in the north of England had accepted a temporary job teaching a class of four-year-olds out in one of the most isolated, rural parts of north Wales. One of her first lessons involved teaching the letter S so she held up a big colour photograph of a sheep and said: "Now, who can tell me what this is?"

No answer. Twenty blank and wordless faces looked back at her. "Come on, who can tell me what this is?" she exclaimed, tapping the photograph determinedly, unable to believe that the children were quite so ignorant. The 20 faces became apprehensive and even fearful as she continued to question them with mounting frustration.

Eventually, one brave soul put up a tiny, reluctant hand. "Yes!" she cried, waving the snap aloft. "Tell me what you think this is!" "Please, Miss," said the boy warily. "Is it a three-year-old Border Leicester?"

Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:

A Parable for Graduate Students



Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the
rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)

Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox
bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the
room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

(The End)

Moral:
It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

Doki,
this is great.....i like the rabbit's thesis....

Yeah, Adrian, I too like the rabbit's thesis better than mine

White Gorilla

A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

"Tag, you're it".