Shyness and small talk - How you do that? (Oct/09/2008 )

I've been trying to crack that small talk thing. In all labs there are people who gather and socialize, and it is very important to do it. I'm talkative, but small talking with a bunch of nearly strangers or new labmates is, well, not my natural talent - either I am piping up with some nonsense or don't know what to say exactly. Do you have any ideas how to make it, or fake it? Just listen and laugh, when everybody's doing that? Or you have some advice. There are naturally charismatic people, who could share...

---

I thought that is what small talk is about????? Talking about the weather, football, the olympics like all the stuff in the chit chat section (besides the geek quote thread )....usually it works fine if you just do not try to hard to be entertaining this could back off on you!
My favourite small talk topic: the wonderful world of fungi....how they can intoxicate people, how they kill plants....so you see the perfect topics for small talk

---

No, I know what Telomerase is trying to say...I am like that too, even more than you maybe. But it depends on the lab and environment too,...in my previous lab I was so shy, I could barely speak without swallowing my....well you know what i'm saying....but now in my current lab I'm the center of most talks....I don't even remember that i used to be shy....the more you think about it the worst it gets....I have also found ways to tackle my shyness and hide it, I'm sure you will be able too.

---

I realized that it mostly needs time....I am not very good with new people either and I am not good in small talk. First I mostly just listen, but after a while I am getting to know people better and am not afraid to say something or be part of the conversation. Lately I realized that I am thinking too much about my work and not spending very much time with people around me (which is not very helpful in getting to know people)....that needs to change....well, I am trying (currently not very hard, though).... :-)

---

And a titillating topic that never fails- lab protocols ..I think that the hardest part always is the starting point..once you break the ice, it's easy enough to keep the conversation going esp if you find topics that are of common interest like...lab protocols... and the weather...and geek quotes..hmm..I'll hold off on the wonderful world of fungi first, at least until the second encounter.. ...and perhaps it's better not to fake anything...

and gebZ is right...bioforum has given us a lot of practice with this....and we can continue practicing now...how about the 700B dollar bail-out? To sell or not to sell? the AIG crooks after the bailout? how about the ranting and raving against folks without any sense of humour, with minds really dessicated in the arid heights of intelligence...and what about music, food and the arts? Everything's here...

---

Yes, I practice at bioforum and other forums
Though in real life, you also have to follow the body language and emotions, so that's a bit different. With the new persons, you never know if you step on some taboo or something, even in the small talk area... so that's why I am often embarassed.

---

Weather is always allowed, politics handle with care.
But body language is very important I guess. People notice immediately if you're extroverted and communicative or the opposite. But you can practise it to a certain degree. But talent is also necessary, hence some are the natural born "lounge lizards" and some are "mavericks", even at the most vivid event. And it is important to know many people, so that you have an easy starting point for talking and also a topic for talking (talking about people is I think the most important small talk theme). And my experience is that's also kind of vicious cycle, if you won't talk much, you know only few people, and if they are busy or not there, you stay alone. And if you don't talk much, too. And then you start to avoid such events...etc etc.

---

I think that talking only about protocols or science can end up making you a very boring and monotonous person. That's the reason why most of my close friends are not in my field. I really enjoy discussing art and music or just personal reflections with my friends that don't know anything about molecular stuff. I spend the whole day on molecular stuff. On my spare time I feel like being a more integral person rather than a boring stereotype of a scientist. And to tell the truth, this also applies to my science fellows too. Unless we are working or sharing research experience in order to enrich our work, we prefer to talk about something else and usually I avoid the ones that only talk about science.

---

Talking about protocols or science makes one boring and monotonous? I’m truly shocked mgaleas . I don’t think Telomerase is asking what we discuss with friends or close acquaintances..this is usually not a hurdle....it’s more on what we can talk about with strangers or new people we meet for the first time. Anything about science is a sure bet, afterall, we're within the lab setting. Once the initial barrier is overcome then we can easily move on to more interesting topics like philosophy, gardening, extreme sports, relationships etc. And I completely agree with you..we shldn't reinforce the boring stereotype of the scientist. So what kind of art do you like?





Hi Telomerase,

I’d consider more this ability to read/interpret body language as a plus- on how to proceed with one’s discussion. It might be challenging though bec some cultures/personalities are more expressive than others but some signs are universal I think. So if you notice a hitch in the breathing, flushing of the skin, fidgety hands, crossing of the eyes, perhaps it’s already time to stop discussing the movie Mama Mia…. ..seriously, I think this art of small talk, this communication skill is just like any other skill..you need to practice to become better at it and for sure you'll commit a lot of faux pas/"I wanna kill myself" moments along the way but that's how you improve....so we keep on practicing...

casandra

---

What I wrote was: talking ONLY about science and protocols make you a boring person. And I totally stick to that. I love discussing science, but I run away from people that only rants about that every time you get to chat with them. This is about being more integral and, again, not contributing to the stereotype that scientists are always completely disconnected to the real world. There's a lot of life beyond the lab bench and we all know that (hopefully!).

About arts, Cassandra, I really love every kind of artistic expression (in terms of category, not that I love everything that people call "work of art"). Music is my favorite one, from opera to heavy rock. It's all about the sounds and how they make you feel. The influence a particular sequence of sounds can have on your mood and how music sounds have a very different effect than, say, rain or cars.

I also enjoy paintings and sculpture. Even fashion can be very delightful. Not that I follow that, but I enjoy looking at a well attired person or a nice dress in a looking glass! -but in lab nobody will notice your nice expensive trendy fashion under the coat, so there's no need to waste money and time on that

I've been amazed lately by the fact that our perception of art can change over the years (getting more sophisticated, maybe? Or just pure snobism?? ).

But following the topic. It happened to me that when I tried to talk about science with a new grad student she freaked out because she thought I was testing her knowledge (I guess I should work on my wording a little more), so I decided to change the subject to something more comfortable: the infallible "so... do you like this city?" And my boss' small talk with me usually starts with weather (as if we really know being all day in a windowless lab!)

---