Scientists who are also mothers - Chat? (Jul/05/2008 )

Want to share experiences? I have 2 young children, and will be starting independent research, so have been writing lots of applications. Finding it very hard to enjoy my family, very impatient with them (thinking of my hours on the computer after they go to sleep). Would love to talk to others who are going through this, or have been through this.

Michelle

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Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the forum and don’t mind cellcounter, he’s got a knack for quoting and misquoting posts and now he takes it one level higher by signing his name below a “borrowed” post . Your dilemma….we sorta had this discussion before..it started with this and then continued to this ..it was a pretty good exchange.

As far as I know, we don’t have a lot of women in this forum who are in the same situation as you are now…btw are you starting your own lab or are you doing postdoc….well, the discussion I linked above hi-lights more the difficulties that women face when they have to choose or feel that they have to choose between their career and family life.

I’ve worked some with kids (I don’t know how wee your wee ones are), baby-sit friends’ and relatives’ little buggers...they’re fun and priceless and all that, but at the end of the day..I always think.."thank goodness they’re not mine" …I don’t know how I’m gonna survive until the end of the day when they’re finally fed, washed and dreaming in their beds. So don’t go into a guilt trip when you feel that you’re not spending enough quality time with them or when you start losing your patience..you’re just a Mom and a scientist who’s trying to do a delicate balancing act. And one more thing, many of these little “angels” are quite manipulative...even at a young age, they can devise ways to make you feel even more guilty (like I did with mine) but I guess you know that already. If you want to chat more...the "fathers" thread had gained a lot of ground..women's issues are a lot more complicated I think or shld I say interesting ...

casandra

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Duly noted. Now the wait begins..

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Hi Michelle,

I too am a mother of little ones - three to be exact. Ages 7, 3, and 1. Although, I think that we're at slightly different points in our careers. I'm doing a postdoc right now, and not really contemplating having my own lab. When I finish this position in a year I'm planning to switch to industry as I don't think that I want to teach or have the pressure of trying to get tenure. Plus I have no intention of moving and that kind of puts a wrench into things. I can imagine that trying to get your own lab established would be extremely taxing, and although I can't say that I've experienced that, I can say that I understand your feelings of impatience. I have very little patience in general, but I've learned a lot over the past 4-5 years. I don't really know if I have any advice for you except to take a deep breath when you feel yourself becoming overly frustrated. It helps you to calm down and put things in perspective. Also I've found that organization and having a routine really helps a lot (unfortunately husbands aren't very good at this and tend to ruin any routine that you establish, but that's another topic altogether).

But don't feel guilty if you miss a bedtime story or have to say no when your kids ask you to play one more game with them. They need to learn that your time for yourself (or your work) is important too, and it helps them to be more independent if they can find ways to entertain themselves. Some kids are better at this than others - my daughter will play by herself for hours but my son (who's four years older) cannot function properly unless someone is entertaining him. And the previous poster is right about kids being manipulative. Last weekend I spent all day with the kids - I watched movies with them in the morning, I took them to the animal shelter to see the kitties, then to the University to pet the horses, then to the playground, and then back home to play in the sprinklers. Around five o'clock my son was begging me to throw his baseball with him and when I told him no, that I was too tired, he got upset and said that I never do anything with him!! Of course, I felt guilty and ended up throwing the ball with him anyway. Then ten minutes later he left (I thought to go to the bathroom) and so I waited for him to come back only to find him playing with something else altogether. I was hopping mad by then and refused to play ball with him any more. Lesson - kids are selfish, and if you spend every minute of your day trying to make up for the time that you don't spend with them, they'll take advantage of it and come to expect even more from you and make you feel even more guilty. In the end just don't worry too much about it. They'll be fine, and probably even better off if you don't try to make every moment count.

If you want to talk some more or share ideas, feel free to PM me.
Good luck to you.

smu

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Now I'm surprised cellcounter...I expected from you an answer in this direction:

"Check out these links for an answer:"
http://search.vadlo.com/b/q?sn=158621799&a...rship&rel=0

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motherload

Check out these links, title of fourth link appears promising (Stem Cells, Women, and Dangerous Things) I have a slow computer, otherwise I would certainly check out the ppt

http://search.vadlo.com/b/q?sn=158621799&a...ntist&rel=2

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Yeah, this shld've been in the Wait thread ....and while waiting for the input of Michelle and the other mothers of this forum, perhaps you, cellcounter, can provide us with a "father's" perspective? You've got monsters instead of kids, eh? Let me guess...you're the one responsible for their discipline , correct? How about this question....have you ever felt that rearing your kids has interfered a lot/a little with your work? Do we really have different men and women issues when it comes to what some people would consider a conundrum.....family or career?

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Father's perspective: My wife suffers a lot in her career No, it is just that you feel torn between your professional career, responsibilities and all that go along with it, Vs. your responsibilities as a father to give a lot of attention to kids' raising, teaching, fun time etc. You always feel guilty, at work at home..May be Michelle can put it in better words.


No, it is the genes I gave.

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That's what I thought sooo too..I was just being polite and civilised (remember Miss Emily Post).....and for your perspective..howcome you're passing the ball to Michelle's court?

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Who is Ms Emily?

I just think Michelle is still mad at me for the stealing, and so as long as I am around, she will not participate. So..farewell this thread

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