Men and technology (low tech that is)..... - when sexes collide (Sep/03/2007 )
Even by a full stretch of the imagination, I can't post this one in the evolution subforum so it's back to chit chat....this is for women who need a laugh and for guys who can handle it…… And for those who’ve read it before, it’s lovelier the second time around…..
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total $4,145.00
(But you know the job was done right!)
Look Dominic…..no wings
@ hobglobin: Because I’m committing high-fidelity plagiarism, I can do nothing about the length of this post. To stop you from whining, I have a low tech suggestion for your reading enjoyment: break it into parts>increase font size to 20>copy paste into separate word documents>open a beer>read it at your own speed>and most importantly don’t forget the cussing....
breaking the unholy truce
,casandra
Poor guy..
just 20$ beer. . he should be working harder.
just 20$ beer. . he should be working harder.
Must be American beer...not worth more than $20!!!
Why do men have to change oil the hard way?
well last time i change my car oil, i planned to change the filter too. It was too strongly fixed. So my attempts did not allowed me to change it.
When i took my car, a long line of drops were clearly visible... i just broke my filter. So i went to the garage.
Advantage : it's a motor rinsing way.
Disadvantage : lost of time, quite ridiculous, repay the oil at high price, and that delayed my trip to spain for 1 day...
And here is the revenge:
Use of cashpoint machines compared.
MALE PROCEDURE.
1) Back into a parking space.
1) Stop engine.
2) Climb out of car, enter bank.
3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE.
1) Back into a parking space.
2) Second try.
3) Restart the stalled engine. Third try.
4) Stop engine.
5) Check make up in rear view mirror.
6) Climb out of car, enter bank.
7) Remove all contents to locate card in handbag.
8) Attempt to insert card into cash machine.
9) Insert card.
10) Re-insert card the right way up.
11) Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12) Study instructions.
13) Enter pin.
14) Press cancel and re-enter pin.
15) Enter amount of cash required.
16) Retrieve cash and receipt.
17) Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18) Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19) Withdraw, enter car.
20) Recheck make up again.
21) Drive 100 meters.
22) Drive back, enter bank.
23) Retrieve card.
24) Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into slot provided.
25) see 19
26) Drive for 2-3 km.
27) Release handbrake.
Nevertheless, no mobile call, no chit-chat, and no beer.
Also plagiarism, but a better lay-out and not so flashy colours.
Finally a comparison for a ligation preparation is missing.
Use of cashpoint machines compared.
MALE PROCEDURE.
1) Back into a parking space.
1) Stop engine.
2) Climb out of car, enter bank.
3) Insert card into machine and enter pin.
4) Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5) Drive off.
You're good...so we've upped the ante now...no more shameless plagiarism. I'm posting in two parts so you'd stop complaining about the length.[Thoughts] of the man who's withdrawing cash from an ATM
While driving…[Sh*t. Where’s that friggin machine? There should be one in every lamp post. Where’s one when you need one?]
Looks at the gauge…[Almost no gas left, I’m starving and I need a beer…ah finally]
Backs into a parking space on top of a yellow line..[Oh crap… Don’t these idiots know how to paint lines…besides what do we need them for… and why’s this space soo far from the stupid machine?]
Stops engine. [I’m not moving this car one inch. They better not park near enough to scratch it. Payed big bucks for a full body paint
Enters bank, takes out his wallet and flicks through his bank cards…[cancelled, empty, Mom’s credit card, overdrawn, cancelled…here it is..the freakin last one]
Inserts card into machine and enters pin….[hmmm how much…how much? Who the fu*k cares? I got cleaned out at the poker game last night and tonight we’ll see the game and then get wasted. Screw it..pick a number and just add the zeros…I hate my job esp that dumb a**hole for a boss but how else can I get the cash..ah sh*t. Life sucks]
Retrieves card, gets into the car and drives off a la formula one leaving a trail of leaking oil on the pavement.
Part two... the female thoughts would come later in the day
. You don't need a PhD to know where that's gonna go...casandra
Part II (bear with me on this one)
[Thoughts] of the woman who's also withdrawing cash from the same ATM
While driving ….[What a gorgeous day! I’ve got errands to run and nice people to see. First stop on my list- the ATM…oh there it is…how convenient...how marvellous technology is]
Backs up into parking space [Ooops I’ve got to do it right..don’t want to park too close to another car and end up scratching it]
Tries again [must also give enough room for the people in the car beside mine in case it’s a mom or a dad who has to take the baby out from the back seat…it can get tricky sometimes]
Engine stalls [Oh darn..I should’ve asked Carl the mechanic to fix the car. I had the money before but my parent’s wedding anniversary gift was more important. The look on their face was totally worth it. Anyhow, the way I’m saving, I’ll probably have another car before the year ends or at least have this one fixed]
Checks face in the mirror [I think Sandy cut my hair a bit too short but I like it. I’m pretty sure John would like it too.He better ]
Enters the bank and rummages through her bag looking for her bank card [what do we have here… keys, agenda, grocery list, tickets for the ballet, first aid mini kit, Maugham’s Of Human Bondage…ah here it is…]
Inserts card [hmm.. PIN. Some crook was able to access my account, so the bank had to issue me a new card, but I couldn’t even choose my own number..I have it written somewhere here in code.]
Types in PIN [Oh my, they changed the format again...made it more user unfriendly..have to try again]
Tries again [Why must they make it more complicated? What’s next..my favorite food or TV show? Oh well I suppose it’s to make it harder for the crooks…ah finally, persistence pays]
Takes the money out and hurries out of the bank and starts the car [I’m already running late...must do some shopping and pick up Mrs. Jones groceries too (hope her knees get better soon), spanish class at noon, must go to the gym then off to my neighborhood meeting…we’re organising a fund drive for the arts center…have to prepare dinner for John and friends…must finish the book…did I put the card back? Guess not (smiles to herself)]
Goes back, parks again and almost gets hit by a guy leaving skid marks in the parking lot [What a jerk! Oh well it’s probably an emergency..I hope his house is not on fire]
Enters bank and retrieves her card [Whew, that was close..I’m still so lucky but I must be more careful next time]
Gets into the car and drives away , 5 min on the road , she passes a stalled car [isn’t this the same one which almost hit me…oh yeah and it’s the same jerk…look at him kick and cuss the poor car (chuckles) some guys really never grow up]
Hey hobglobin sorry for the length but at least this time it's not plagiarised If you need further explanation you know where to find me
casandra
9) Insert card.
10) Re-insert card the right way up.
26) Drive for 2-3 km.
27) Release handbrake.
Hey casandra, since when has an ATM been "user unfriendly" or even "complicated"?